guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
