mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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