Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
