I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
