I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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