Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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