i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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