No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
