My cat gives me a boner
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
