I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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