I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
