dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
