we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
