your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
