Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
