i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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