Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
