I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
