She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize