Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize