I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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