First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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