Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
