i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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