Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
