I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
