so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
