I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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