I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
