I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
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