It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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