new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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