Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize