is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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