my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The uberlube is also flammable
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
