Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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