last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
