Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
