I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
