i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
