Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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