I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
