He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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