I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Randomize
