I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
