farters have to be the big spoon...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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