Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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