My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
