no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
