I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
