I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
