I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
