Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
