There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
