Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
