You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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